


T h r e e : World's Greatest Couple

by happy_rascal



Series: Short Stories [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cute, F/M, Fluff, How I Met Your Mother AU, M/M, pure fluff, world's greatest couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:50:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happy_rascal/pseuds/happy_rascal
Summary: Inspired by the How I Met Your Mother episode 'World's Greatest Couple' where Lily moves in with Barney and Marshall goes on a date-not-date with Brad.Provided with an alternate happy ending.





	T h r e e : World's Greatest Couple

**Author's Note:**

> Marshall will be Liam, Brad will be Zayn, Barney will be Louis, Lily will be Harry and Robin will be an original character called Rosie and Ted will be Niall. As said in the description, there will be a happy ending to this because let's face it, we all want everyone to end up together instead of the episode's ending. Also if you've watched How I Met Your Mother and you know the ending of the entire series, the plot about the mother has changed and there's been more added to it to fit this fluffy AU :) .  
> G x

"Your Uncle Louis was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in New York, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did." Niall started telling his children in the year 2O3O, his hair back to its natural brown, grey hairs sprouting around his ears and around the back of his head. He smiled as he remembered the days with his five best friends, Liam's boyfriend quickly became a part of the group after this particular story.

Niall thinks back to the day one of his best friends ended up in Louis' bed, he wasn't there at the time but he could picture the looks of pure terror on their faces as they both woke up from a deep sleep, the almost-midday sun shining brightly through the large floor-to-ceiling window that looked over the breath-taking city of New York.

He pictured the moment Louis looked behind him to see his best friend spooning the smaller man and let out an almighty scream: "Aaaaaaah!" The thought of Louis' terrified face, his oceanic eyes blown wide and his mouth agape at the sight before him made Niall's eyes form slits and his mouth drop open to release a cackle of joy and nostalgia for the past.

Harry had let out the same ungodly and undignified noise as Louis and Niall couldn't help lean back in his chair, more laughter bubbling up his throat as his son and daughter questioned the sanity of their father. 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Harry had screamed, his more high-pitched than his best friend despite his baritone voice. Tears of laughter squeezed out of Niall's aged blue eyes. Oh, how he missed being young. Of course, he wouldn't give up what he had now: beautiful children and a loving wife.

After calming down, Naill began again. "It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. It all started two weeks earlier at Harry's housewarming. . .

"Harry's apartment was about five feet by eight feet. It was the equivalent of all the standard apartment rooms fit into one room. It wasn't suitable for anyone to live in; there was no TV, no plugs apartment from one extension cord in which the kettle, his charger and the fridge were plugged in. Yet here Harry was, muddling his way through life in a tiny box.

Harry stepped into the room in front of Rosie, my girlfriend, and I with a wide smile and exclaimed in a cheery voice, slightly singing out the last two words: "Welcome to my new home."

"Oh, wow, Harry, this is. . . Oh, this is all of it." I said, trying to hide my disappointment for the man but failed to mask my surprise. Harry turned around to face us and I could see the shame he had for not having enough money to afford anything better. But what else could he afford on a newly hired nursery teacher's salary?

"Yeah, I know it's small, but it's got character." I handed Harry our gift basket for his housewarming. "Thank you." He placed the gift basket in the bathtub before continuing. "And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbours. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice." Harry stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his insanely tight jeans and trailed off awkwardly so I decided to play the hero and I changed the subject quickly.

"Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?" I asked, not certain I wanted to know the answer but it was better than having to talk about the sketchy neighbours Harry was living with.

"Or a stove in your bathroom?" Rosie spoke up, questioning the architect's choice of space, honestly, I could've definitely done better.

"Oh, that's not just a stove." Harry started, his dimples showing as he grinned in excitement with the apprehension of what he was about to say. "That's a stoveinkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stoveinkerator. Isn't that futuristic?" Optimism has always been Harry's best trait, I've barely ever seen him break down. Apart from when he came back from San Fransisco and used an apartment as a metaphor for his ex, you know him as Uncle Liam. He was a mess that day. We're just all glad it's not awkward between them anymore. They quickly became best friends again after this.

"God, I hope not," I said without really thinking but it didn't seem to waver Harry's unending optimism, instead, he just laughed. "Hey, cool Murphy bed." I pulled on the Murphy bed, tugging at it to get it away from the wall as Harry kept talking.

"It's kind of a mess. I didn't make my bed this morning, so. . ." The bed came away from the wall and one corner caught halfway up on the side of Harry's wardrobe.

"Oh! You know what? I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. For some reason." Rosie tried to give Harry comforting words but she's never been good at that kind of stuff. So I lightly pressed on Rosie's back as a signal for her to move out of the way.

"Hold on, I got it." I pulled on the corner of the bed, making the headboard bang against the wall when suddenly a man's voice rang out from somewhere in the building. He wasn't speaking English so I guessed it was Lithuanian, based on what Harry had told us earlier.

Harry's face lit up in recognition, "That was 'Something, something, I am going to something you like a something donkey.'" He smiled triumphantly, the index finger on his left hand bobbing up and down as he went over the words in his mind.

"Uh. Other cultures!" Rosie tried to sound enthusiastic, honestly, she did, and whilst it wasn't convincing to me, Harry seemed to take great pleasure in the uncomfortable appreciation Rosie had managed to force out.

"Hey, let's break out the fruit basket. Hey, who ate all the - ?" Harry was interrupted by a small squeaking sound and then the basket moved by itself. 

"Aaaaaah!" That time, it was all of us screaming, the fear making us all dash for the door.

~.~.~.~

A day later, Rosie and I were sat down, in our usual booth, in our usual bar called MacLaren's, across from Louis. Rosie and I both with a beer in our hands whilst Louis had a 'classy' scotch - most likely Glenn Mickenna - in his own hand. The bar was pretty filled for so early in the evening but we spent so much time there, we were never sure what time it actually was once we were in there.

"Okay, we have to get Harry out of that apartment. His roommate is a racoon." I say to the table, a desperate look in my eyes.

"I'd offer him my place, but I've got dogs and he's allergic," Rosie said, regret filling her voice; we both wanted Harry to live somewhere better.

"Dogs?" I asked "I live with his ex-boyfriend. I think he's a little more allergic to that." You kids remember that Liam and Harry went out, right? Yeah, well Harry had had a freak out about six months prior to this story and had broken up with Liam because he felt like he needed to find out who he was outside of their relationship. What he hadn't told us was that 'finding himself' meant also pining after one of the other people in our friendship group. 

Once Liam found out Harry was back, neither of them expected to get back together, Liam didn't trust Harry and Harry fell out of love with Liam. Honestly, they had both taken it pretty well but things were still very awkward at this point.

"What about your place, Louis?" Rosie spoke up and I felt my eyebrows raise at this, Louis' place was a huge question mark in his life for us. He'd talked about all the different boy and girls he'd taken home every night and yet, none of us knew what his place looked like, even though I had a spare key. Wierd, right? "I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch."

"The fortress of Tommo the Tease? No way." It's still disgusting he called it that, even after all these years. Rosie and I were so confused as to why he wouldn't let Harry stay, I mean, he is Louis and Louis had a number of selfish, playboy qualities but he had given me a key. But he was almost offended that we recommended letting Harry stay with Louis despite them having a strong friendship, although they were completely different, they managed to maintain an amazingly profound bond.

"Come on. He's desperate." Rosie pleaded, trying to make him feel something for poor Harry.

"Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the men and women I bring home, but. . . pass." I was just about to argue back when Liam arrived.

"One of you guys is very, very lucky because I have. . . A boom! An extra ticket to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in?" He was so excited about the concert but:

"Absolutely not," Rosie said.

"No." I had to reject him, I couldn't go to one of her concerts. No thanks.

"Damn! I got these tickets like months ago for me and Harry and now I can't find anyone to go with me. This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch!" Liam whined and pouted so I offered the only option I could:

"Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone." 

"Oh, you don't think I've tried?"

_[FLASHBACK]_

"Table for one." Liam requested in what I imagine was his trademark polite voice.

"One. . .couple?" The head waiter asked.

"Um, no, just me."

"Really? For brunch?" The man asked incredulously.

"You're right. Who am I kidding?" Liam slumped his shoulders and walked back out of the door.

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?" Rosie asked me, her excitement was so great I couldn't help but agree.

"Of course, sweetie." I complied easily.

"Can I go with you guys?" Liam asked hopefully.

"Really? For brunch?" I asked him hesitantly, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"God, I hate being single!" Liam looked a little pathetic but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I did feel a little bad at how despondent he looked but I knew Liam would bounce back, he usually does.

~.~.~.~

Louis stepped into his apartment, just coming home from the bar after hanging out with us.

"Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game." He spoke into his Bluetooth earpiece. He picks up a golf club and walks over to a grass imitation circular mat where a glass is laying on its side. He started gently swinging the club back and forth, aiming the clubhead at the small white golfball that's resting on the mat; he finally hits the ball and it makes it into the glass. "Oh and P. to the S., I never got my payout from Seattle from two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you." Louis made his way over to a decanter full of whiskey and he continues talking as he pours himself a little of the brown liquid into a crystal whiskey glass. "I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right?" He repeated himself a little more forcefully. "Okay, I love you too Mum. Take care." Louis hung up and, without even looking around, he knew there was another presence in the room."Hello, Harry. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it?"

"Niall gave me your spare key," Harry stated from his place on Louis' couch. By the way, that key? Yeah, I gave him it so he could finally do something about his pining for his best friend but don't tell your Uncle Harry about that - he still doesn't know.

Louis snapped his fingers. "Spare key! Brilliant!"

"I'm sorry, but you know I'd only come here if I had no other choice. But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and. . .

_[FLASHBACK.]_

Harry had tried to pull down his bed after washing his face but, just most of Harry's life works out, he ended up breaking more than he bargained for. His entire bed fell down and pull hall of Harry's wall down with it, only to reveal a beer-bellied man eating a bowl of cereal whilst watching the telly. The man looked at Harry with a blank expression, he didn't even blink, he just sat there. "Sveikas!" Harry said in a cheery voice, mostly to hide his nerves. That means 'Hello' in Lithuanian just so you know, kids.

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"That's terrible," Louis said with no sympathy at all. "Well, see ya." Louis started making his way towards the monochrome kitchen that matched the rest of his flat's colour scheme to lean on the black granite counter top and Harry jumped up off of the black couch to follow him, his desperation shining clearer than the sun in Los Angeles in July.

"Wait, can I stay here maybe?" Harry shrugged his shoulders, trying to play it cool and failing miserably.

"I'd let you, but I don't have any room." Louis lamely tried to find an excuse.

"You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits." To this day, I still don't know how Harry knew that. Maybe he had a sneaky look around while he waited for Louis to come home.

"Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around you, Harry. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a best friend who likes relationships, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry." Keep looking at me like but I didn't say it and I don't want to know what kind of  _'entries'_  Louis was thinking of when he mentioned it.

"Ewww! . .is something some lame, judgmental dude would say, but I say give me multiple high fives." Harry waved his spread out hands near Louis' face, as if that would help convince him.

"Wow, you really are desperate." Louis scoffed and turned his back on Harry, walking away once again. I'm still convinced it was because if Harry kept waving his hands in his face, Louis would hold his hands and never let go. I've asked him before but his pride won't let him admit it. Also, he was extremely oblivious to his and other's feelings when it came to romantics.

Back then, Louis would never have admitted how much he wanted a relationship just as much as Harry. Even if he wasn't oblivious.

"I really am." Harry groaned out, his hands imitating a strangling motion, a year later, Harry did explain to me that no matter how much he liked Louis (love was apparently too strong a word at that very moment - it changes within a week) he definitely could have strangled Louis at that point in time.

"Oh okay, you can stay here for two days." Louis gave in, making it seem like more of a struggle than it probably actually was. "But I only have one rule. You can't change anything." Louis had always liked things his way, Harry is the only person who can get him to change anything and even then it takes some convincing. In any means possible. Sorry, kids you didn't have to know that last bit.

"Why would I change anything? This place is. . . perfect." A grimace followed that sentence and Louis has given him shit for every day since. "Except for the fact that you don't have a TV." Harry chuckled but he really shouldn't have underestimated Louis.

"See that wall?" Harry nodded, "3OO-inch flat-screen." Harry's eyes nearly burnt out when Louis put on the TV, the light was so bright, Harry was certain he was staring into the face of God himself. "They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong." Louis laughed a little at that as Harry blinked, trying to focus on the television without screaming in pain.

"It hurts my eyes." Harry whimpered, pushing himself back into the couch in an attempt to move further away from his new light source. Forget the sun, this baby was it now.

"Yeah." Louis nodded with a small smile on his face. It must have been nice for some company. "That doesn't go away."

~.~.~.~

At the apartment I used to live in with your Uncle Liam, Rosie and I were just sitting on the red couch enjoying each other's company whilst reading. Liam arrived looking very happy.

"Hey, where have you been?" I asked, he'd been gone all night and it was very unusual for Liam to stay out after going to the bar. But that night, we had come up to the apartment and then within five minutes, Liam had left. 

"The Alanis Morissette concert." He answered simply, although there was a small smile n his face and it made me interested.

"By yourself?" I was shocked to hear he'd had the balls to go alone, it was one thing he didn't like doing, claiming he had more fun when he had someone to remember the concert with.

"No, actually I went with a friend from law school." Liam's smile grew a little bigger.

"Oh, really? Who's this friend?" Rosie asked and if Liam hadn't;t been in the room, I would've kissed her indecently for being just as curious as I was, we've always been told we were so alike that we were perfect for each other.

"Zayn." Liam full on blushing at that point and his smile was bigger than I've ever seen it.

_[FLASHBACK.]_

"Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks!" Zayn cheers as they enter MacLaren's, both smiling widely.

"Totally! I can't believe I almost didn't come tonight." Liam added, scolding himself for almost being very stupid.

"Let me guess: you bought the tickets for you and Harry right before he dumped you." Zayn guessed dismally, completely bringing down the elation if you ask me but, you know, whatever.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I just got dumped myself," Zayn replied cheerlessly, looking down at the ground, forcing back some unshed tears.

"What? Perrie broke up with you? I'm sorry, man. That sucks. Zayn," Liam began after a pause, "do you like brunch?"

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"You invited him to brunch?" I asked, disbelievingly.

"Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why? Is that weird?" Liam asked worriedly. 

"Yes. That's why I was all 'You invited him to brunch?' The man had asked his law school friend on, basically, a date and he hadn't realised. I thought he'd had a crush on him based on his smile but after he talked more and more, I realised that he was just like a child who has made a new friend in nursery.

"Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?" Yep, definitely saw his relationship with Zayn as platonic and as I judged by Zayn's behaviour by what Liam had told me, I was thinking he did not see it as platonic and more as romantic.

"Because brunch is kind of. . ." I struggled to find the right word, luckily, Rosie was right there to help me.

"Girly." She finished for me, her slightly brash nature shining through like the Times Square on New Year's.

"Girly? Breakfast isn't girly. Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly?" Liam tried to argue with our reasoning but at this point, we were both hard to argue with, we had each other's backs in situations like these and no one could take us down.

"I don't know." I scour my brain to find a suitable example. "There's nothing girly about a horse, nothing girly about a horn, but put them together and you get a unicorn." I raise my eyebrows as a sign to say 'fight me on this, I dare you'. 

"I don't care what either of you say, I am going to the Popover Pantry with Zayn. We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch." Both Rosie and I decided not to mention he'd paraphrased a well-known gay pride chant and left it at that. Well, we couldn't really do anything else, Liam walked into his room before we had a chance to utter another syllable.

~.~.~.~

Back at Louis' apartment the next morning, Harry cooked up a breakfast. You've had Uncle Harry's breakfasts before, well it was one of those and Louis didn't really accept the news well.

"Mmm smells delicious." Louis praised as he rounded the corner from where he bedroom door was situated and into the kitchen space.

"Thank you." I was told by a very reliable source that Harry practically glowed under the attention Louis gave his full English breakfast. "There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up. . ." Harry trailed off once he saw Louis put the breakfast in the trash. "What are you doing?" He was upset, he didn't understand, Louis had praised him, hadn't he? What had he done wrong? Well, kids remember Louis' rule?

"Harry, what was the first rule again?" Louis started, putting the plate in the sink for washing up that Harry knew he was going to have to do.

"'Don't change anything'?" Harry repeated from his first night there, confused as to why he was being quizzed on this stuff already.

"And what was the second rule?" Louis asked, confusing Harry further.

"There was no second rule." Harry shook his head along with his reply, a small shrug accompanying it.

"Exactly! There was only one rule and you broke it." Louis almost yelled at Harry but decided against it once he thought about how upset Harry would get. He's never liked seeing Harry upset. No matter how cruel Louis could be to his friends, with his constant teasing and mocking, but Harry was the exception; every time Harry looked close to tears, Louis would instantly apologize and buy him something. 

One time, Louis was making fun of Harry's pink and white polka dot shirt, Harry looked upset that Louis bought five others in different colours and scrunchies to match. I'd never seen a man look so happy. He's still never worn the pink one since but I think Louis still tries to convince him to start again.

Another time, I don't remember why, but Louis had made Harry actually cry so he bought Harry anything he wanted from Gucci - no idea what he does for a living.

"I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?" Harry asked, incredulously.

"Harry, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal-clear to every one-night stand that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave. Come on, 'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography, please. Bienvenido to the bedroom. Dig this: King-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. Everything about this bed says 'Our work here is done'. Next, we say Bienvenue to the bathroom. What, only one towel? What, no hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it. And the coup de grâce. . ." Louis squat down next to the toilet and pressed down in the seat, it sprung back up, a clear tell that it's spring loaded and not meant to stay down. A 'perfect' - as Louis would say - way of telling an unwanted woman that they were not destined to say there, 'not sure how that would keep clingy men at bay, though' Harry had muttered under his breath in envy. "Yeah, that's right. Patent-pending. And Willkommen to the hallway. While guys like Niall and Liam may hide their porn -"

"Liam doesn't have porn." Harry was adamant that Liam did not have porn despite not dating him anymore and having no idea whether he did or not.

"Aww, that's sweet." Louis fake pouted at Harry's innocence and his voice became sickeningly patronising for a millisecond. "While guys like Niall and Liam may hide their porn," Louis continued as if Harry hadn't said anything, "I had mine professionally lit." Louis presses a big light switch that makes an entire bookshelf filled with porn glow red and cheesy porno music plays in the background. Harry rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. "When girls and guys who are hopeful relationship seekers see this, they can't get out of here fast enough."

"And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper." Harry scoffs at the thought of the figure in the next room, jabbing his thumb in the vague direction of it.

"No, that's just awesome. So you see, whenever a person wakes up here, I never have to tell them to go build their nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me."

~.~.~.~

At Popover Pantry, Liam and Zayn had sat down, gleefully eating their brunch. The Popover Pantry was small and quaint, it had soft beige colours with lightwood furniture and picture frames hung around the room with different aesthetically pleasing flowers painted in watercolours or drawn with pastels.  Liam and Zayn were sat across from each other, tucking in into their meals.

"God, I love brunch." Liam groaned out in pleasure at the taste of his waffles and bacon.

"Oh, damn. . . The zucchini bread is ridonculous." Zayn agreed as he tucked into his own meal.

"This isn't weird, right? Liam asked hesitantly.

Zayn shrugged awkwardly, "I sort of thought it might be, but it totally isn't. Oh, and btw, you totally did not oversell the eggs benny."

"Right? Right?" Liam's mood lifted almost immediately after Zayn's subject change.

"I mean, why can't two single bros go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style?" Zayn raised his arms in an 'I don't get it' way, his cutlery flinging around in his hands.

"Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying." Liam felt triumphant knowing someone understood.

"This must be destiny," Zayn muttered out loud, shaking his head in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?" Liam asked, his nervousness coming back.

"I have two tickets for  _Mamma Mia!_  friday night. You like  _ABBA_ , right? What am I saying? Who doesn't? Anyway, I was gonna take Perrie, but now it's all you and me. We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say?"

"Yeah!" Liam enthusiastically agrees, he'd heard  _Mamma Mia!_  was good so why not?

~.~.~.~

At Louis' apartment, the next morning, a girl watched him sleep. Louis' head was rested on the one pillow and his whole body was engulfed by the one blanket, leaving nothing for the girl to lay on or under with her head propped on her hand and her legs crossed daintily as she lay on her side.

"Hey. Did the cold wake you?" Louis asked through the sleep that made him slur his words and squint his eyes against New York's early morning sunrise. 

"No, I've just been watching you sleep." The girl stated as if it was completely normal.

"Oh, did you try and take a shower? I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel." Louis said, subtly hinting at the girl to get out of his house. God, what was her name? Evie? Ellie, Elena? Eleanor? Eleanor! Yes! That's right.

"I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day," Eleanor said a-matter-of-factly.

"Okay. I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to. . ." Louis past the point of subtlety, now.

"I'm boycotting coffee. You may as well drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer. God, I love this place. Good thing I don't have a job because I could stay here all day." She hugged him awkwardly as they both lay on the bed but Louis jumped up from the bed and made his way out of the room, a flimsy excuse leaving his lips.

"I think I left something on the bookshelf." Louis jabbed the light switch on by his 'bookshelf', covering the DVDs in a red glow and deliberately picked up some of the DVDs and spread them out, shoving them in the girl's face. "Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look. Oh, I'm disgusting." His false shame projected awfully but Eleanor seemed to be convinced.

"Wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons I love you. Did I just say that? Oh well. Cat's out of the bag. I love you." Eleanor didn't pause to take a breath and Louis started to hyperventilate.

"Whoa, uh, okay.  _Beep, beep_. Backing up, um. . ." Louis struggled to find a way to manoeuvre his way out of his situation, ransacking his brain for any turnoffs to get this, quite frankly, scary woman out of his home. He came up with nothing.

Seconds later, Harry walked in. "Louis - oh!" he said as he stopped at the scene before him: Louis' one night stand moving toward him with a love-sick look on her face. Slightly pathetic, slightly creepy.

"Oh my god! Are you married? Is this your husband?" Eleanor panicked, immediately going into overdrive.

"What?" Louis fired back, very confused. "No." Suddenly, either realization or a plan crawled its way into Louis' brain. "Yes!" He corrected himself.

"Yes?" Eleanor asked, trying to find clarification.

"Yes." Louis lowered his head in more false shame, Eleanor bought it yet again.

"You son of a bitch! I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple." Eleanor screamed, starting to storm out of the door.

Louis started apathetically begging for the girl to stay. "Come on, baby. please, no. You don't understand. What have I done? This is the worst. How could you - ?" The girl slammed the door and Louis stopped talking. He turned to Harry. "You're not going anywhere. Live Claritin clear. Wow, that was close. That hippie chick wouldn't leave. She was ready to squat here." 

"Well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?" Harry chuckled out, ignoring the mass of butterflies in his stomach that were wildly batting against the walls of his belly. honestly, Louis was just doing that for himself, wasn't he?

"She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment. . . except you. You're better than porn."

"Thank you." Harry blushed, it was a compliment, we think.

"How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my husband, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know, I know. You've got your ethics. You've got your principles -"

"I'll do it." Harry cut Louis off, obviously he's never been the best at hiding his excitement.

"Really?" Louis asked, disbelief lacing his voice. There were a few seconds of panic for Harry as he searched for a reasonable cover up.

"Louis, you've clearly got some  _serious_  mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But, in my other apartment, I would be living with an  _actual_  scavenging sewer rat, so you win." Harry meant none of the words he'd said.

"I'll take it." Louis shrugged in a 'fair enough' attitude.

~.~.~.~

That night at MacLaren's:

" _Mamma Mia!?_ " I laughed, it was cruel but oh so funny, this boy was slowly moving into a relationship that he only saw as platonic.

" _Mamma Mia!_." Liam said with a finality in voice. "You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonys and stuff." 

"No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date." I teased, snickering around my pint glass as I took a sip.

"Ooh, third date. You know what that means." Rosie followed up as she wiggled her eyebrows. This is one of the many things that made me marry her, kids.

"It is not a date, okay? It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show." I still laugh at that. Ha, 'bros'.

"You 'bros' going to get dinner beforehand?" I asked and Liam rolled his eyes as he nods.

"We might grab a steak, yeah."

"Where at?" I continued my questioning. Liam was hesitant to answer.

"Café L'amour." He answered into his beer and Rosie and I cackled loudly, disturbing other tables around us. _"_ Zayn says the food is really good there, okay?"

"Sounds like Zayn's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your 'A' game. That means no granny panties." Rosie snorted and Ieant into her side, weak with giggles.

"All right, you know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Zayn and I are taking back Broadway." Liam said with defiance.

"What are you going to wear?" I asked with a sly smile but Liam didn't realize what I was getting at.

"I was thinking like this collared shirt and this pin -" The penny dropped and again it had Rosie and Ihowling like hyenas. "Oh, you know what? Shut up."

~.~.~.~

At Louis' apartment the next day, Louis was having breakfast with another girl, both were reading the newspaper and - get this - he was wearing a fricking silk robe. Such a drama queen. So flamboyant.

"Can you pass the arts and leisure?" The girl passed it over to him and there was a slight pause as Louis waited for something to happen. The something didn't happen, Louis repeated himself louder. "Can you pass the arts and leisure?"

"I just did." The girl told him. A second later and Harry strutted in a big smile on his face, dimples denting his face.

"Honey, I'm - Louis, what the hell is going on here?" Harry gasped loudly and shouted in offence and shock. Harry and Louis had formed an agreement, Louis sleeps with people and Harry pretends to walk in the next morning as his husband and shoo away the guys and girls who wouldn't leave.

"Harry, I can explain -" Louis started in desperation but Harry cut him off.

"How could you? In our own home?" Harry slapped Louis around the face. "You bastard!"

"I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know he had -" The girl tried to excuse herself but Harry just shut her up.

"Just get out. This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? I got groped by old, wrinkly men for you. I -" The girl left and the door made a loud bang, and Harry huffed but stopped talking."I was just about to turn on the tears."

"Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius. You did not hold back." Louis praised Harry once again and Harry smiled, gleefully.

"Yeah, that I just always wanted to do." Harry laughed softly while taking a piece of the breakfast he had made (for Louis to present to the girl as if he'd made it) before he waited in the corridor to walk in. And Harry wasn't lying, sometimes he really did want to slap Louis but he's never thought he'd do it and actually mean it, acting was totally different.

"Fair enough. I have to say, it's kind of nice having food around here for a change." Louis commented as he continued eating with Harry at the table.

"You know. . .oh nah, never mind." Harry muttered, feeling stupid.

"What? You're my husband. You can tell me anything." It was a joke but Harry still fidgeted in his seat from the domesticity of the situation, he loved it.

"Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse, we should try to make this place a little more, you know, homey. Like-like a married couple would actually live here." Harry knew it was too much to ask but everything was so nice and calm and. . .'couple-y' in the words of Harry himself.

"What did you have in mind?"

Like I said earlier, kids, Harry was the only person who could change Louis' mind over anything. So, Louis and Harry redecorated the apartment, they putt pillows on the couch, changed the living room carpet, switched the Storm Trooper for a houseplant, added flowers on the kitchen counter and replaced the porn on the bookshelves for actual books. Apparently, Harry handed Louis 'Relationships for Dummies' as a giant hint but Louis just flipped through it, looking vaguely interested and not understanding what Harry was trying to say. 

~.~.~.~

That night, Liam had come back from his not-date and sat down with Rosie and I. Believe it or not, Rosie and I didn't live together at this point.

"Hey, you're home. I didn't think we'd be seeing you until tomorrow morning." I laughed out, Rosie leaning her head on my shoulder as she laughed.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha." Wonderfully executed sarcasm, I'll give him that. "It wasn't a date. Okay, it was a date and it got way weird." Now, he looked disturbed. So naturally, we were both curious.

_[FLASHBACK. At Café L'amour.]_

"Oh, you really don't have to do that." Liam tried to insist as Zayn paid the bill.

"No, I insist. You're my guest." Zayn replied with as much insistence as Liam, a soft look on his face.

"Thanks, Zayn."

Zayn started laughing, "Bro. You got some chocolate on your chin." Liam tried to wipe it off but missed it. "Still there. I'll get that bad boy." He licked his serviette and cleaned Liam's chin.

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"Woah!" I exclaimed, surprised at this guy's behaviour.

"Well, it could have been worse. It could have fallen in your lap." Okay, okay, so Rosie and I were clearly not very sensible people and we're still not.

 **"** It gets worse," Liam said with a stoic expression.

_[FLASHBACK.]_

"No, I can do it, Zayn. Okay, thank you." Liam tried to persist as Zayn helped him put on his coat.

"So anyway, uh, it's this Saturday. Do you want to come?"

"You want me to go to a wedding with you?" Liam asked, his voice shaking slightly with confused nerves.

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"Okay, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like  _Wedding Crashers_." I said as I tried to see the bright side of it.

"Just keep Zayn away from the bouquet." Kids, if you ever find someone like Rosie, never let them go.

"It gets worse." Liam started again, his voice rising an octave or two.

_[FLASHBACK]_

"It gets better." Zayn carried on, "The foliage in Vermont this time of year is ridonc."

"Vermont?" Liam questioned. Ah, Vermont. So romantic.

"Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome B&B. Perrie and I used to go there. Anyway, there is one room left, and we got it. Walt Whitman Suite, bro."

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

"You said no, right?" I asked - like he was going to actually  _agree_ was a ridiculous idea.

"Of course." Liam scoffed.

_[FLASHBACK]_

"I understand. It's cool. It's the first time I was going to see my college friends since Perrie left me. I just. . .I just miss her so much."Zayn started sobbing.

Liam lost all his defiance in that one moment. "I'll go to Vermont with you.

"That's great! You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn. I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat." Zayn's mood was picked right up from the floor after that, a smile gracing his face.

_[END OF FLASHBACK]_

Rosie and I lost it, we lost are absolute shit. We almost fell on the floor from so much laughter.

"I'm sorry. It's not funny anymore."

"Damn you, brunch! This guy's crazy, right?" Liam sounded so desperate.

"Look, I don't think he's crazy. I just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch." I consoled Liam as best I could but it was kind of difficult when there was, in my opinion, something between them and, plus, it was  _very_  funny.

"And now you have to do what every dysfunctional couple has to do: Break up," Rosie advised.

"You're right. You're right. I promised Zayn I would go to the wedding with him, and then that is it." He didn't seem to enjoy the idea of 'breaking up' with Zayn, he seemed so reluctant but I just brushed it off, I mean, can you blame me? The guy looked so disturbed by Zayn's earlier actions I just guessed he wasn't into Zayn like Zayn was into him.

I just replied with a simple: "Good man."

~.~.~.~

 At the same time that night in Louis' bedroom, all the way across the city, Harry and Louis put plush, new, white and blue pillows on the bed. And laid the new duvet that matched the pillows onto the double bed.

"Oh, I think we made the right decision going for the custom-made Italian sheets." Harry blissfully announced.

"Hey, if my bed's going suit up, it's going to do it right." Louis declared, putting emphasis on the words 'suit up'. "Want to give it a whirl?" Louis grins out, he had enjoyed this whole 're-decorating' idea.

Harry  _jumped on the bed and sunk down into the mattress, the sheets enveloping him around the edges._  "Oh. Ooooh!" Harry moaned in pleasure at the comfort of the soft duvet.

Louis pulled on his suit jacket and announced: "All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars. What are you going to do tonight?

Harry sunk further into the bed and pondered his choices for a second. "Oh, I was just going to watch  _Letterman_  but, God this bed is so comfy. I wish you had a TV in here." Louis turned on another wall-size TV. "Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?" Harry asked, too interested to focus on the pain as he felt his retinas burn from the light.

Louis chuckled, "Please." Suddenly, Louis settled himself onto the bed by Harry, not sinking quite as far but crossing his legs out in front of him.

"I thought you were going out." Harry looked at Louis with bewilderment.

Louis shrugged and made a non-committal sound. "Eh. After the monologue." He smiled and settled his gaze onto the giant flatscreen and got a little comfier, Harry shuffling closer minutely with a timid smile. Domesticity.

~.~.~.~

"The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan, your Uncle Liam headed over to Zayn's apartment to leave for the wedding in Vermont. But when he got there, Zayn was waiting on the sidewalk, holding flowers. Liam panicked.

"No. No... No. No! No!" Liam decided to call me, no idea why - he should've learnt. "Niall. Um, Zayn got me flowers."

"Hold on." I turned to Rosie, "Zayn got him flowers." We laughed again. "I'm sorry. It just got funny again." Liam hung up.

Zayn saw Liam walking towards him, "Oh, hey -"

"No, Zayn, uh, I don't want to hear it. I do like you. And calla lilies are my favourite flower. I don't know how you knew that. I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man. I can't believe that you would -" Suddenly, a girl arrived.

"Hey, sweetie." She said.

"Hey," Zayn said back, a dull tone to his voice but Liam didn't question it at that point. Zayn kissed the girl and then give her the flowers.

"Aww." She cooed "Hey, Liam." She finally greeted him as he stood there, gawking.

"Hi, Perrie. So you guys, are like back together now?" Liam asked, why did his stomach tie into a knot? I had to break that news to him gently when he got back to the apartment.

"Yeah. Happened last night. Uh, I'm sorry, bro. I should have called you." Still a dull tone, unfeeling.

"Yeah, you should have," Liam said, his voice tight, masked. 

"Well, I didn't mean to hurt -" Zayn tried to apologize.

"Don't, Zayn. Just don't."Liam turned and walked away.

"Oh, what was with him?" Perries asked Zayn in a hushed voice.

"I don't know. I think he's in love with me." Zayn spoke wishfully and I felt bad knowing that Liam hadn't heard it. 

~.~.~.~

The same morning, in Louis' bed, Louis and Harry woke up. The golden New York sun rising elegantly in the sky, telling the people of the greatest city in the world to wake up and start a new day.

"Aaaaaah!" That was Louis.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" And that was Harry.

"I can't believe we just - you and I - what have we done?" Louis cried.

Harry let out a sigh of totally-not-disappointment-and-totally-is-a-sigh-of-relief. "Nothing. Nothing happened. We. . .we just went to sleep." He reassured Louis because he didn't like Louis worrying, even though he didn't like the pain in his heart. 

"'Just went to sleep'"?" Louis sounded highly disgusted at the thought of just sleeping.  _Or maybe he's just disgusted with me_ , Harry thought (don't worry, kids, I told him he was stupid after he told me that). "I don't sleep in the same bed as someone and not make a move. How could... You! You spooned me against my will." Louis made it sound like it was all Harry's fault and that hurt Harry more than he'll ever say.

"Hey, it takes two to cuddle." Harry fought back because he'll be damned before he's blamed for non-consensual spooning.

"We. . .we redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch  _Letterman_ , and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh my God! We're in a relationship!" With each realization, Louis' eyes grew a little wider, until he looked haunted by having all these changes around him.

"That's what you think a relationship is?" Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go." He hissed and Harry softened his voice to get Louis to calm down.

"Louis. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and. . .and it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you." Oh, how much Harry would've have given to be the person Louis let his guard down to. 

"Uh-uh. You gotta go." Louis told Harry, just flat out. Harry wanted to cry, wanted to beg Louis to let him stay but he didn't, he decided to at least fight for something after all the changes he'sd made to Louis' apartment.

"Hey, you can't just kick me out! I put a lot of work into this place, and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living."

"'A certain standard of living'? You didn't pay a single. . ."

"And so Mr and Mrs Tomlinson, after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. Fortunately, they reached a settlement. And that's the story of how Uncle Harry furnished his apartment. You see, for about a month, Harry ended up moving back into his old five-by-eight flat with a new houseplant, new Italian sheets and some new books. Harry always managed to convince Louis to change his mind. We'll get back to what happened after a month in a minute, let me finish telling Ziam's almost-ending as well.

~.~.~.~

"Liam ran into Zayn again sometime later.

"Oh my God, it's Zayn. Laugh like I said something really funny."Like the amazing best friend I am, I laughed heartily as Zayn walked towards us.

"That was great," I added, to make it seem more real.

"Right? Right?" Liam played along until Zayn stopped in front of us.

"Hey, Liam," Zayn said and, now that I had seen him up close, I saw the sparkle in his eyes as he looked into Liam's puppy dog eyes. Adoration was one word to call it.

"Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?" Liam seemed nervous, clearly trying to keep his composure. After he came home from the morning of the wedding he was supposed to go to, I told him he might have to rethink his feelings towards Zayn and since then, he had been pining with tubs of Ben and Jerry's in his hand.

"It's good." He looked at me. "Hey, I'm uh -"

"Yeah, I know who you are." Solidarity. He looked nice and I could see he felt something for Liam but he'd gone off with Perrie and I couldn't forgive him for that and, plus, Liam was my friend.

"Well, I got to go. I got this thing." Zayn said, trying to escape the awkwardness I'd provided.

"Yeah, me too, but more important." Liam bragged it was a shame he was clearly lying.

"So, I guess I'll see you around." Zayn practically begged but he had slightly more composure than Liam in any situation ever.

"Sure. Sure."Zayn left and Liam's voice trembled as he requested: "Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat."

"Totally looks fat." 

He looked gorgeous.

~.~.~.~

A month later, it all happened. It was Sunday morning - kids, you know how I feel about Sunday mornings, they are for sleeping and only sleeping. And yet, at around seven thirty in the morning, there was a knock at the door, Rosie woke up first and dragged me out with her, using me for leaning purposes. Because we were so slow at getting to the door, three more knocks came along and then Liam walked out his room to see what the fuss was.

All three of us arrived at the door and I turned the doorknob - ha knob - to reveal Zayn Malik standing in the doorway looking just as tired and dishevelled as us. His black hair was standing up in all different directions and he had bags under his beautiful eyes - don't worry we've all agreed how stunning you Uncle Zayn is.

Rosie and I looked at each other and just moved to the couch, not giving the two men nearly enough privacy but we didn't care as we flopped down on the red cushions, I let Rosie lay on top of my chest as he closed our eyes but listened intently to the conversation at the door.

"Hi," Zayn said timidly.

"Ugh" Liam grunted in reply, he wasn't in many states to properly talk yet, Zayn paused for a few seconds, watching as Liam's brain calibrated itself so he could take in his surroundings properly. Rosie and I opened our eyes again, curious to see how this would play out.

"I've come to apologize and explain." Liam tried to interrupt but Zayn put his hand up and kept talking. "Please, let me speak, I will answer your questions afterwards. I'm just scared if I don't say all of this now, I'll never say it. Perrie and I did honestly break up and I was so sad until you invited me to the concert - which, incidently, was one of the best nights of my life - and then I started to grow to like a little more every time we saw each other until it became pure affection and, maybe it's a little soon but love and then I was talking to my mum over the phone and she seemed hesitant; I've never liked upsetting my mum so I told her I was joking and that I was still going out with Perrie and I hung up, two days after you walked away, my mum called me again and told me that I was stupid for hanging up on her becuase all she was thinking about was how she hadn't met you and was wondering when she would. Then she called stupid again and told me to sort my life out. 

"When I saw you in the street, you seemed to hate me and it made me so sad that I thought you would never feel the same way so I left it but my mum came down t see me the other week and tried to hit me on the arse a rolled up newspaper. After she left, I knew I had to come and try again. Also, you're making it really hard to stare at your face when you're just in boxers and all I can think about is sleep - possibly if you'll have me, with you." Zayn smiled an award-winning smile and he fluttered his eyelashes. If we'd had the energy, Rosie and I would've clapped.

"Come on then, come on," Liam replied as he slung an arm around Zayn's neck and led him to his bedroom, kissing his temple as he went.

~.~.~.~

The same Sunday, Louis had sprinted down to Harry's box and almost beat down the door. A disgruntled Harry opened the door to reveal a red-cheeked Louis. "Lou?" Harry asked his deep voice gravely with lack of use after being asleep.

"Hi," Louis breathed out, as he looked at Harry's form, his eyes analysing every strand of long hair that was out of place. Harry noticed and tried to smooth it all down.

"Oops, sorry I probably look like a mess, I just woke up." Harry apologizes despite it being Louis' fault. God, Louis loved him.

"Listen, Haz, I know I've never seemed interested in relationships and I don't understand commitment but this past month has been so lonely, I don't think I really realized how lonely it was until you came and went. I'd make a joke but now's not the time. You and I. . .we've always been best friends and I don't think I realized that you were the kind of friend where, at the end of the day, I still wanted to kiss you and joke around with you. I missed you so fucking much, Harry. I missed waking up smelling actual food cooking and smelling your shampoo and smelling your scent everywhere in my apartment, some of my suits still smell like you, you big doof. And I'm not just projecting my feelings for wanting a relationship with someone onto you because we spent two weeks together in the same home, I really want you, someone isn't enough, you're it for me; I think I've been too oblivious to my feelings but now I know that you, Harry Edward Styles, you are the person I want to understand commitment with and you are the person I want a relationship with."

"When do I move back in?" Harry grinned, his face was on fire due to all his blushing but he didn't care because in that moment, Louis had pulled him into a bruising kiss but it wouldn't work properly because they both couldn't stop smiling.


End file.
